Quick. Look around you. What do you see?
If you answered, “A sofa, my television, a houseplant and the cat,” chances are you’re a woman.
If you said, “The bathroom sink,” you’re a man.
Men read in the john. I know this because I’m a man and I do it.
This is not something I usually consider one way or the other, but I recently spoke with a reader (let’s call him Al, since that’s his name) and our conversation got me thinking about it. Last week Al gave me the disturbing news that we spend a lot of time together in his bathroom. We meet there at least once a week, sometimes twice, if I’ve written a column he finds particularly amusing.
Before hearing from Al, I never really thought about this aspect of my column. What happens to my little essays after I shoot them off to my editor has never really concerned me, as long as the paper keeps sending the checks. (Suckers!)
But now, thanks to Al, I find I’m a little freaked out by the idea of spending so much time in the bathrooms of strange men. Especially considering the fact that my mug shot runs with the column. I mean, my photo is, in all probability, lying on the backs of thousands of toilets, right now! Maybe face up!
I’m not sure why this bothers me. After all, I have a small, wicker basket in my own bathroom, placed there by The Lovely Mrs. Taylor specifically for the purpose of holding my “library” (as she puts it). Over the years, the photos of authors as diverse as Dave Barry, Stephen King, Charles Shultz, Kurt Vonnegut, Hemmingway and even Shakespeare have gazed out from that basket as I performed my necessaries.
None of them complained.
Presidents, scientists, rock stars … they’ve all had their time in the basket. If it bothered any of them, they never mentioned it to me.
Granted, the bathroom isn’t the most elegant of reading rooms. When tackling a serious novel or biography, I prefer to sit in my easy chair with a nice glass of Chardonnay and a good cigar, golden light from a small reading lamp bathing the book’s pages in its temperate glow.
But that’s not always convenient. Like most folks, I just don’t always have the time to devote to a reading experience. Sometimes, you gotta take the words where you find them and in the time available.
And bathroom time is – for the most part – wasted time. Unless you read there.
That’s the way men look at it, at least. Mrs. T claims she does not read in the john and I believe her. For women, bathroom “down time” is strictly business. It’s in and out, then back to whatever they were doing earlier.
For a man, the bathroom represents the one place in the house where he can get a little privacy, a little peace and quiet. It’s a sanctuary. While there, nobody asks him to take out the trash, put a new battery in the television remote, or dry the dishes. Nobody interrupts.
So it’s the perfect place to catch up on important (and not so important) reading. Columns, like this one, make especially good bathroom fodder, in large part because you can read one start-to-finish in about the time it takes to … well … you know.
But it is possible to read larger works there as well, in installments, of course. Unless you want your legs to fall asleep. That’s the one downside of bathroom reading; toilets aren’t built for long-term sitting. Considering men designed them, you’d think toilets would incorporate at least some La-Z-Boy qualities; maybe a drink holder or reclining back-rest. I know I would pay extra for that!
But I digress. The point is (I’m sure there was one when I started this) men read in the bathroom. So it stands to reason that some men read this column in the bathroom.
I guess I’ll have to get used to the idea. All I’m asking is that, when you’re finished, please, leave the paper with my photo facing down.
To reach Mike Taylor with your questions, comments, or the address of a store that really does sell reclining toilets with cup holders, e-mail mtaylor@midmich.net or write via snail mail to: Mike Taylor, c/o Valley Media, Inc., PO Box 9, Jenison, MI 49429. Want more? Archived “Reality Check” columns, as well as photos, links and previously unpublished “mini-columns” are online at http://mtrealitycheck.typepad.com.
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